This is second time I’ve had a baby and its one of many times that I have felt like so desperately reinventing myself. Generally this means getting another tattoo, this time I more so am considering getting my nose repierced. Luckily I’m not really into dying my hair funky colors anymore. I’ve also grown out of distress cutting my hair. I think I finally learned my lesson on that one. There’s just this flame that gets lit when I’m in this body I don’t recognize in the mirror itching to become cooler. I knew this would likely happen again been I was pregnant. I felt it earlier this time likely because I knew how my body would change and be different. To satiate some of this desire I bought some cool sunglasses. There are a few things that even if you gain weight you can still wear; sunglasses, shoes (sometimes) and makeup.
I am good about initially accepting my body and accepting that whatever size fits me for clothes. Mostly because I just want new clothes that fit me. But there’s something that gets triggered and I just want to reinvent myself, I want to be cool. Speaking of feeling cool this is the first time in probably a year-and-a-half that I really missed vaping. People are very divided on whether vaping is cool or makes you a douche or it’s just stupid in general. But I miss it. I felt cool AF vaping which I started after I had my first son. I quit when I got sick about 2 years later when I had a bad cough from a cold.
Where this really comes from is jealousy of an acquaintance who has had a baby usually within a few months of me and doesn’t have any weight to lose, seemingly, or 20lbs or less. The first time I roughly had about 30lbs to lose, this time it’s 50lbs. They’re usually very sweet acquaintances who would never be rude to me, judge me on my weight gain or flaunt their small weight loss in my face. But I hate them, though for a short period of time. I despise that they get to be right back in their clothes and I have like a year and half. I even despise my friend who recently quit nursing since her babe is now a year old. Who also got very skinny in 3 months time. Mostly because I want to drino coffee and drink and not smell like breast milk and sweat. But she likely hated me and my skinny body when she was pregnant and thereafter until she got her body back. Her I pass on. My acquaintance complaining about having 20 lbs to lose, her I hate. Though I laughed when I learned that she thought stretch marks “went away.” No sister, these are for life, they lighten and heal but do not go away. Those are the least of my concerns. Though I even had ones that bled, they’re still the least of my worries.
So since I’m aware that it’ll probably be a year or more until I can have my hot body back, then I at least just want to be cool looking until then. Whether that’s makeup, more tattoos (I already have 9), getting my nose repierced or simply accessorizing in a different way, that’s what I’ll do.