Reinvention Postpartum

This is second time I’ve had a baby and its one of many times that I have felt like so desperately reinventing myself.  Generally this means getting another tattoo, this time I more so am considering getting my nose repierced. Luckily I’m not really into dying my hair funky colors anymore. I’ve also grown out of distress cutting my hair. I think I finally learned my lesson on that one. There’s just this flame that gets lit when I’m in this body I don’t recognize in the mirror itching to become cooler. I knew this would likely happen again been I was pregnant. I felt it earlier this time likely because I knew how my body would change and be different. To satiate some of this desire I bought some cool sunglasses. There are a few things that even if you gain weight you can still wear; sunglasses, shoes (sometimes) and makeup.

I am good about initially accepting my body and accepting that whatever size fits me for clothes. Mostly because I just want new clothes that fit me. But there’s something that gets triggered and I just want to reinvent myself, I want to be cool. Speaking of feeling cool this is the first time in probably a year-and-a-half that I really missed vaping. People are very divided on whether vaping is cool or makes you a douche or it’s just stupid in general. But I miss it. I felt cool AF vaping which I started after I had my first son. I quit when I got sick about 2 years later when I had a bad cough from a cold.

Where this really comes from is jealousy of an acquaintance who has had a baby usually within a few months of me and doesn’t have any weight to lose, seemingly, or 20lbs or less. The first time I roughly had about 30lbs to lose, this time it’s 50lbs. They’re usually very sweet acquaintances who would never be rude to me, judge me on my weight gain or flaunt their small weight loss in my face. But I hate them, though for a short period of time. I despise that they get to be right back in their clothes and I have like a year and half. I even despise my friend who recently quit nursing since her babe is now a year old. Who also got very skinny in 3 months time. Mostly because I want to drino coffee and drink and not smell like breast milk and sweat. But she likely hated me and my skinny body when she was pregnant and thereafter until she got her body back. Her I pass on. My acquaintance complaining about having 20 lbs to lose, her I hate. Though I laughed when I learned that she thought stretch marks “went away.” No sister, these are for life, they lighten and heal but do not go away. Those are the least of my concerns. Though I even had ones that bled, they’re still the least of my worries.

So since I’m aware that it’ll probably be a year or more until I can have my hot body back, then I at least just want to be cool looking until then. Whether that’s makeup, more tattoos (I already have 9), getting my nose repierced or simply accessorizing in a different way, that’s what I’ll do.

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Self Acceptance and other postpartum things

I’m only 12 days postpartum. The crying started day 9. I really thought that whole week, I was doing great. This is going to be fine. Then I clogged the toilet. Not a just a plunge-it clog. A we-should-have-called-a-plumber clog. One that was so bad our neighbor was over helping my husband and they had to take up the toilet to get it out bad. That’s when the crying started. 

I was totally mortified. I really couldn’t do anything to help since my baby was attached to my boob. I did however get momentary reprieves with my son playing at the neighbors. Accepting my embarrassment I told my neighbor A about it since it was her husband helping mine. Being the God send that she is she told me her own poop stories and helped me laugh.

The crying didn’t stop there. It would hit me randomly about nothing. Then 4 days later it happened again, on the other toilet, on my husband’s birthday. He blamed the oatmeal filled lactation bites I’ve been eating. That broke me. I said, “If I can’t have those, I can’t breastfeed and I have to start buying formula.” I just started sobbing. 

I had already been trying to pump and only had 3 days where I pumped once. I had 5 ounces saved. Which anyone knows is not nearly enough. The idea of being able to drink coffee and eat spicy food was highly appealing. However it also made me feel like a failure. I thought, “maybe I’m just a quitter. I quit.” Sounds nice. But it isn’t the nursing I mind, it’s really just the stress of pumping. Especially since I was out during a 2 hour nap and missed a pumping opportunity. My son then proceeded to nurse for 2 hours straight solidifying how frustrating pumping is for me. Not even to mention that the last time I pumped I got one ounce when my one boob was hard and definitely had more milk than that.

To look at a win instead of stressing myself out, nursing is going great. My son is gaining like he should be, he’s sleeping great. Maybe I just need more time on the pumping front.

Since my body has inevitably changed having a baby I decided I was in need of some new leggings. I actually don’t have any pants that fit me. While I had previously committed to spending money on decent clothes and had sworn off buying clothes at Rue 21 I saw they were having a sale. They also have great size charts. I spent probably 3-4 days debating whether or not I was going to buy any clothes. But I figured since they were very inexpensive and I hoped that I would be losing weight soon it was ok. 

When my new leggings arrived in the mail I tried them on. The 2X size I bought were too big, I felt a little good about that. The 1X I bought fit great. I didn’t really care much about how I looked in the mirror, it’s split in half and weird anyway. Later I saw myself in a reflection on a glass door and thought, I look pretty good. Sure my belly is round and butt and hips are wider, but I look good. 

No one said momming was easy. I’m going to at least try to remember my wins and try to cut myself some slack.

Postpartum

I’m 5 days out with my beautiful bundle of joy sleeping soundly on my lap. Nursing has been going well and it seems that my milk came in rather quickly which I am very grateful for. 

I have a decision to make that I thought I’d already made. I weighed myself. At best I lost 13 lbs delivering my son. which is about 5 less lbs than with my first. I’m currently at the weight I was when I was admitted to the hospital to have my first. I’m glad to be under 200lbs. But it’s still a lot more than I wanted to weigh. 

My crossroads is a choice between being upset, trying to watch what I eat or eating when I’m hungry not worrying about it now and just ignoring it really. 

I want to ignore it. I want to say that I don’t care; part of me really doesn’t. But the other part of me is a little sad. It’s kind of hard for me to be this big. Mostly just because I have no idea what im going to even wear. I’m still in sweatpants, mostly out of necessity but what about when I have to go back to work?  I am only 5 days post-op. I know I ‘just’ had a baby. I know that I also could lose another 10 lbs by the time I go back to work.

I do truly have plenty of time to lose the weight and none of my actual friends will judge me for anything about it. I’m going to do my best to just focus on eating healthy meals, maintaining my milk supply and just ignoring the rest. 

I also need to just have my husband hide my scale. I have great tendencies to weigh myself all the time when I’m in a weight loss mode. Honestly I’d be a little more bummed about it but when I told my husband how I had only lost about 13 lbs he said, ” so you basically just lost how much he weighed (including all the extras he came with placenta, blood etc), that sucks.” That was all I needed and I felt so validated when he said that. That sucks. Well yes it does. But I’m not really in a position to do much about it and I certainly knew I couldn’t control it to start with. 

I’m going to focus on my current wins.

Win #1: I barely felt anything during my c-section which was a major improvement from my first where I could feel my bladder getting moved. The one inch difference between an epidural and spinal block made it a great experience. Huge win

Win #2: even though I’m in the nursing stage where my nips hurt, he’s nursing really well and even started gaining weight back. I was really concerned because with my first I had a really hard time and this is going much better.

Win #3: I’m having minimal bleeding and it’s been easier getting around this time.

Win #4: I didn’t get saggy stretched out belly skin. Yes I have 100 new stretch marks but it looks like the elasticity in my skin is still there and eventually will get back to what I’m used to.

Let’s also not forget the wonderful things about just not being pregnant anymore

  • No more heartburn
  • No more random gagging/nausea/ vomiting
  • My bones don’t feel like they’re going to split apart
  • My body is mine again
  • I have a wonderful sweet baby I can stare at all day