I’m only 12 days postpartum. The crying started day 9. I really thought that whole week, I was doing great. This is going to be fine. Then I clogged the toilet. Not a just a plunge-it clog. A we-should-have-called-a-plumber clog. One that was so bad our neighbor was over helping my husband and they had to take up the toilet to get it out bad. That’s when the crying started.
I was totally mortified. I really couldn’t do anything to help since my baby was attached to my boob. I did however get momentary reprieves with my son playing at the neighbors. Accepting my embarrassment I told my neighbor A about it since it was her husband helping mine. Being the God send that she is she told me her own poop stories and helped me laugh.
The crying didn’t stop there. It would hit me randomly about nothing. Then 4 days later it happened again, on the other toilet, on my husband’s birthday. He blamed the oatmeal filled lactation bites I’ve been eating. That broke me. I said, “If I can’t have those, I can’t breastfeed and I have to start buying formula.” I just started sobbing.
I had already been trying to pump and only had 3 days where I pumped once. I had 5 ounces saved. Which anyone knows is not nearly enough. The idea of being able to drink coffee and eat spicy food was highly appealing. However it also made me feel like a failure. I thought, “maybe I’m just a quitter. I quit.” Sounds nice. But it isn’t the nursing I mind, it’s really just the stress of pumping. Especially since I was out during a 2 hour nap and missed a pumping opportunity. My son then proceeded to nurse for 2 hours straight solidifying how frustrating pumping is for me. Not even to mention that the last time I pumped I got one ounce when my one boob was hard and definitely had more milk than that.
To look at a win instead of stressing myself out, nursing is going great. My son is gaining like he should be, he’s sleeping great. Maybe I just need more time on the pumping front.
Since my body has inevitably changed having a baby I decided I was in need of some new leggings. I actually don’t have any pants that fit me. While I had previously committed to spending money on decent clothes and had sworn off buying clothes at Rue 21 I saw they were having a sale. They also have great size charts. I spent probably 3-4 days debating whether or not I was going to buy any clothes. But I figured since they were very inexpensive and I hoped that I would be losing weight soon it was ok.
When my new leggings arrived in the mail I tried them on. The 2X size I bought were too big, I felt a little good about that. The 1X I bought fit great. I didn’t really care much about how I looked in the mirror, it’s split in half and weird anyway. Later I saw myself in a reflection on a glass door and thought, I look pretty good. Sure my belly is round and butt and hips are wider, but I look good.
No one said momming was easy. I’m going to at least try to remember my wins and try to cut myself some slack.